Band of Brothers
Beast of Lag
BlackLight
Boosters
The Eve Universe, and some information to help you live in it.
1. Area: Around 5000+ systems of known, and unknown space.
2. Population: Around 300,000; Only 43,000 of which are online at any given moment.
Of that number only 14,000 are actually out in space, and of that number only about 3000 are in a non-industrial(AKA Carebear) ship. The rest are sitting in the station, observing how lovely light refracts off the sides of their ship.
3.Monetary Units: Isk, which stands for InterStellar Kredits.
A warning to those new to the Eve universe. If you ever encounter a strange person,who is probably chinese, babbling about how you can get ISK at a nice low price, it is best you ignore them. Buying ISK from them will result in a very hard bashing over the head with a particular hammer called the Banhammer.
4.Sex: None.
Actually, there is probably a lot of this, however if you do encounter a particular person trying to sell you sexual favours in return for ISK, the Capsuleer's Guide to the Eve Galaxy strongly suggests you quickly decline and run far, far away. Because no matter what you think it is on the other side of the picture, it is most likely a very overweight, and very desperate man who is whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Instead, it recommends that you contact the Amarrians, for they have a healthy, and quite reliable slave service, which does provide prostitutes and exotic dancers.
5.Crime: High.
When going anywhere, or talking to anything, it is greatly suggested you keep an eye on where they are and what they are doing.For example, Aura had this to say on the matter of the populace of Eve: "Most believe that the world is filled with honest people. I like to believe that the world is filled with almost honest people"
(Written by Laventhros Ormus)
Mostly Harmless
(Written by Shihibiki)
Beast of Lag (aka Lag Beast)
Known to roam eve and strike at random encounters. This hideous beast loves to strike when you are undocking, have just warped into a lowsec/nullsec system, or decide to have a large space battle. The only means to hide from the lag beast is to cover your eyes, and not look at your screen, thereby bypassing the knowledge of what just happened to you, your expensive implants, and your precious ship. You will find out later in a much more calm setting safely set in a tranquil space station.
(Written by Vahz)
Among the "DJ's" at EvE Radio, there is one known to be both loving and cantankerous, often both at the same time. He is known to play serious dance tracks, and then randomly break into a silly set, often involving the "Omnomnom" song or "Combine Harvester".
This person, known as DJ BlackLight, is a mystery, though easily spotted by his sunglasses, cigarettes, and glass filled with vodka and coke. He can be bribed to do things against his desires, such as singing on the radio, as long as the price is right. Often, 1 or 2 billion ISK will do the job.
He has been known to do charitable works, such as raise money for the CCP charity fund. But then he can easily turn around and demand that someone be assassinated, and that their corpse be delivered to him, often for a cash prize.
It is advised that you try to stay on his good side. It is easier to do so if you are female and on the better looking side, though he does have some male friends, though current speculation is that a majority of those "male friends" bribe him with ISK so he won't pod them.
Despite these warnings, he has a huge following, often having several hundred people tuning into his radio show. Experts are baffled at these results, especially when his listener numbers rise while he's ranting at or about a person/thing, or playing highly annoying music, like "Star Trekking".
Like with all beings in the regions of New Eden, caution is advised when dealing with DJ BlackLight. Always be on your guard, but be kind, because you never know when he will reward you.
(Written by Heather Corus)
Listen to your mother.
Now, this isn't very explanatory, so after various updates and testing by the authors of CGTTEG, it has been revised.
Remember what your mother told you about drugs.
For that is what Boosters are. They might help you, but the side effects make them quite risky.
One particular booster has this listed as its only side effect:
"The booster's only major drawback is the crazed notion that the pilot's inventory would be look so much better if merely rearranged ONE MORE TIME."
(Written by Viridiana Kirena)
Among the various modifications available to a Capsuleer's ship, there is the amazing Damage control. It has to be the most convenient thing in all of the known universe. It has become a ships proverbially towel, much like a capsuleer is supposed to carry one around, most ships have one fitted.
The remarkable thing about it is, that if in use, it suddenly allows a ship to withstand attacks for a longer period of time without blowing up. Now many scientists have tried to understand how that is, and some have come to a conclusion that it is based on which ship the damage control is on.
For Caldari ships, they believe that the entire crew had a 100isk bill tied to a length of string which is then dangled before them on a stick to encourage them to work harder.
For Gallente, it is usually in the form of some form of art that supports the ship. Since it is artistically right, it must work.
For Amarr, it is usually, and very simply, the reminder that if the ship blows up, all of the crew will die. Being that their religious exits forbid the installation of escape pods on their vessels.
Lastly, the Minmitar have adapted a very unique Damage control system. It consists of black markers, and duct tape. Which they use to cover all of the warning signs and lights. This allows the capsuleer and his or her crew to focus, instead of worrying about all the annoying flashing lights and irritating sounds.
(Written by Laventhros Ormus)
In the following article all will be presented and enlightened with a regular phenomenon aptly named disconnecting. Told will be what disconnecting is, reasons why people disconnect and ways to prevent it. Pay close attention, it can be very important. You don't want to get disconnected if you're just about to pwn someone’s ass!
So, imagine this. You are in your pod, controlling your ship. You are just about to lock on to your war target and everything turns black. You have no idea where you are, all sense of control and feel this little sting in the back of your head. You open your eyes and the first thing you see is yellow. Yellow goo.
Now you got it! You are in your pod, like always!
Your lifesystems seem to operate, but you can't feel your ship anymore. You are back to your scrawny human self, the one thing that makes us feel mortal. Panic ensues, you're trying to find a cause to this problem, what the hell is going on?!
Well, it is a commonly seen problem amongst pod pilots. It is small error that is easily corrected, but such a shock when it happens for the first time. The connection to your ship controls gets interrupted when the link between your mind and machine is broken. Very important is to stick to the one most important thumb rule 'DON'T PANIC'.
Keep a cool head, use your hands (yes, you have hands) to reconnect the link between your mind and the machine.
One must reach behind one's head and try to find the cable that is now most likely floating in the goo. When cable is found, jam it back in the back of your head. A sting will be felt again, as your vision blackens and you slowly feel the tangle down your spine as your system controls come back online. If you are lucky, you will return into a fully functioning ship. If you are unlucky, well. You must have to find that out for yourself.
The main lesson here? Be prepared.
Be prepared for anything that can happen while roaming the stars. Because you never know what can happen, the one moment you think you have the upper hand and the other you are crying for your mommy.
Oh yeah, and about solving the problem.
Anyone have some ducktape?!
(Written by Trevor Rambling)
In the wide wide universe of New Eden there is a much known group that is both kind and malicious to the inhabitants of New Eden. Each member in his own right is a form of entertainment- although, sometimes who is being entertained is at question; certain members of this 'collaborative entertainment group' known as EvE Radio have been known to challenge inhabitants of New Eden in witty spin off games that are more often than not, horribly horribly deadly to the players.
The members of this tribe dubbed EvE Radio work around the clock in their life style- bringing mild enjoyment to their listeners. However it must be noted that they are extremely territorial, they will fight fiercely over there allotted time slot. In rare instances it is believed that a 'DJ' can become enraged and fight for dominance- effectively filling in for another 'DJ' who disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
Wildly dangerous and wildly regarded this strange tribe has one of the largest cult like gatherings in all of New Eden. Approach with caution and enjoy.
(Written by Tavian Windell)
Fleets, are what you join in order to spend most of your time waiting for others to tell you what to do. The more you wait the more you are assured to a) become mind numbingly bored, or b) dead. The chances of the later increases as the size of your fleet either shrinks to such a size its hardly worth calling a fleet anymore, or increases to a point that the law of dominion will be enforced upon your fleet. (See Law of Dominion)
(Written by Vahz)
There are several important things to remember when dealing with officers of the Goonswarm. The first is that they always claim to be on peaceful missions, insisting that they will not use violent means to accomplish their goals. It invariably so happens, however, that one or two (or perhaps even an entire starship of personnel) get a bit overzealous in their tasks and feel by vaporizing a prisoner or two, if not entire planets. Goonswarm Command is always rather understanding about these little mishaps, even when it violates their own Prime Directive. These incidents are usually hushed up appropriately, and passed off as accidents, as in the case of the sudden and unexpected collapse of Band of Brothers, taking with it a few orbiting POSes where BoB ships were rumored to have been docked.
The second important thing of note is that Goonswarm is(Edit, see below: Was) very big. Even a man like Zaphod Beeblebrox should not attempt to betray Goonswarm because no matter where in the known space and time he hides, Goonswarm is bound to find him there. In fact, if Zaphod Beeblebrox's brains were functioning correctly (e.g. he has not touched a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster in at least 5,678.84 years), he might realize that the only reasonable way to escape Goonswarm is to paint himself pink, and then activate a Somebody Else's Problem Field about himself, whereupon Goonswarm would immediately cease to worry about him.
The third, and perhaps the most important, thing to remember about Goonswarm in general, and Goonfleet in particular, is that it is impossible to be served a decent Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster on any of its starships, especially when it is a Russian that is serving you the drink. Goonswarm food synthesizers are not capable of getting just the proper kick into the drink which leads to certain problems.
They recently collapsed due to internal strife, The Mittani, the most hoopy frood of Goonswarm (which isn't saying much, like the best retard of the group) accused Karttoon of not knowing where his towel was.
(Written by Ryunosuke Kusanagi)
HTFU stands for Harden The F**k Up. Which, coincidentally, is the name of a phenomenon exploited by many capsuleers today.
The idea is that if one yells and screams at a non-functioning part of his or her ship long enough, or loud enough, that the lord of Order will glance sharply in its direction, and it will cower before working properly.
The only problem with this phenomena is that the capsuleer has to yell for a precise length and time. Yell to long, and the object might simply become depressed and wonder "Whats the point?". Scream too loudly and there is a high probability that the Lord of Disorder, colloquially known as Frank, will glance sharply in the capsuleer's direction and the entire ship will fall apart.
(Written by Laventhros Ormus)
The law of Dominion is made up of two parts. Law I, If you were a large alliance and felt quite comfortable with your size you are now doomed to become extinct. Law II, If you decide to gather with more than 42 of your friends and 42 of your enemies you will be forced to feel the wrath of the lag beast. (See Beast of Lag)
(Written by Vahz)
Trade on the market in the regions of eve is a everyday occurrence for the common capsuleer. Thus money and items are exchanged, earning one his bread and the other his chance to blow others to smithereens, namely so the one from who they just purchased their ship. Thus making some men rich, some even richer and happier, as it is said, "to see your efforts bear fruit is the epitome of ones work", also formulated by pirates as "seeing his desperate screams in local pleading for help or me to stop makes my day"
But it is said that at the top of the feeding chain that is the market is the market moguls. It is said that they are able to effortlessly juggle with numbers as well as memorising astronomic amounts of information in the time it takes most new capsuleers to undock their ship.
It is also speculated that the astronomical wealth that they posses is earned through a simple but puzzling process of comfortably buying up everything from high-tech junk such as lasers and shield boosters to well proven equipment such as autocannons to armour plates, only to transport it over short or long distances through the universe to sell it off.
Unlike the special race of capsuleers that hugs asteroids in space slowly digging pieces off to take back, or the brave but sometimes mentally unstable capsuleers who again and again bashes head on with the endless stream of pirates, these market moguls care only for little work and instead hangs out on the universal communication networks such as eve-radio, ventrilo or teamspeak usually enjoying sarcasm and drama. Some say that whenever events unfold in this universe there is often one of these in the background, usually feeding his need for entertainment. On the other hand some argue that it is pure lack of intelligent behaviour which is the cause of these events.
(Written by Crysantia)
The CGTTEG describes Miss EmoPants, or more commonly known as just EmoPants, as a DJ on the popular radio station EVE-Radio, but is not in fact emo at all, and as far as anyone knows does not actually own a pair of pants.
(Written by Ralkaka)
In the EVE galaxy there are new players who provide endless amusement to EVE veterans, they are called n00bs. These "n00bs" are stereotypically incredibly gullible and thick headed. They frequently inhabit Empire Space and Jita. They can be found occasionally in low and null sec space, due to ignorance or a practical joke, although not for long before a pod kill is imminent.
They have an uncanny ability to pilot large ships but do not possess the ability to fly them. They will generally loose them very quickly and as such Curzon Dax has invented the song “Big Big Noob” in their honor.
Many veterans say the reason they are so unsuccessful so often is because they have not learned to keep a towel handy, but n00bologists claim that this is just a scapegoat to keep n00bs in the dark for amusement and padding kill lists. n00bologists claim the true reason for this lack of skill is due to all accounts being linked to what they call, “The Redundant Assessment Pocket” during their first year of play, that constantly forces all players to identify the wrong situation, and then do it anyways.
Use extreme caution when dealing with n00bs because they can become whiney, needy and a nuisance very quickly. TCGTTG recommends that the following action be taken upon seeing a n00b, kill immediately. Their ships may sometime carry large amounts of tech 1 or 2 items and vast amounts of Quafe. The reason why their ships are usually filled with Quafe however is unknown.
(Written by Rhonin Forestar)
Not necessarily evil, but perverted, relentless, merciless, unforgiving, traitorous, uncaring, and unfeeling. In fact, they would not lift a finger to save a finger to save their own Mother ship from the relentless attacks of the northern Coalition unless it was bubbled, webbed, neuted, bumped, they had jump bridges, and outnumbered their opponents 3 to 1.
The best way to get a drink from one is to hope you can suck up the pod's fluid before the vacuum of space sucks you form the hull breach in it, and the best way to irritate one is to jump a mother ship into a system without a scout.
(Written by Laventhros Ormus)
Planetary development was illegal for capsuleers to participate in until recently, and allows the dropping of rather large buildings from orbit which then let out even more building. These buildings then either devour all nearby resources destroying the local landscape in the process or take the collected resources and then produce refined goods, also destroying the landscape in the process. Although numbers are hard to come by, within the first hour of development the displacement of several billion space Indians and the crushing of one self-styled witch under a landing command center has been confirmed. It is likely they will all go and build casinos, except for the dead witch who's only recovered possessions were a pair of red boots for a space suit.
(Written by Cyphr Sonic)
Sometimes referred to as "emo quitting". Is the act of quitting eve in a state of frothing, keyboard flinging, fury. Typically as a result of the loss of the players ship and/or property: typically by their own poor decision making. It is common for these players to switch to a simpler mmo like the famous World of Warcraft. This typically results in a raise in intelligence for the player bases of both Eve and WoW.
(Written by Broken Spade)
Ship fitting is the delicate art of buying an expensive new ship, fitting it with as many shiny tech II modules as you can afford, spending hours fiddling with CPU and powergrid to get it just right, then getting it blown up within seconds of undocking. This is why the wise capsuleer never undocks. Or just says "fuck it" and fits tech I crap and goes looking for a fight.
(Written by Arkan Mathal)
Similar in nature to being disconnected (see Disconnecting) but in this case the ship's AI has decided that it should ignore the capsulear. This results in the ship warping off in some random direction to complain to it's self about about the capsulear. That is until the the capsulear has spent any where from 42 seconds to 5 minutes yelling at his ship's AI about why it should still listen to him. Some have come to call this 'Marvin' sydrome
(Written by Shibiki)
The missile,artillery shell, rail gun charge, or laser beam heading for your ship might not actually reduce it to a smoldering, floating pile of space debris.
If you ever think there is a possibility that you will be: shot at,fired upon, attacked, engaged, pestered, prodded, ganked, or chased by the Ravenous Bugbladder Beast of Traal, The Capsuleers Guide has this to say on how to not die in all of the above cases:
Fit the proper tank.
Now, if you're consulting this article, its safe to assume you know nothing of what a tank is. Well it breaks the many different kinds of tanks up into specific categories for simplicities sake.
Sheild Tank: It is the maintaining of your outermost defenses, or shields. It is for those who are too paranoid when it comes to the color red.
Armor Tank: With the use of armor repairers(usually in the form of advanced nanites, duct tape, superglue, or a combination thereof), the repairing of any incoming damage to maintain a ships armor plating. Those who armor tank don't mind a bit of red.
Hull Tank: Interchangable with "Buffer" tank usually means the pilot usually is such an adrenaline junkie, he or she is willing to see how long his ship can stay together while taking fire before blowing up. They usually love the color red.
Hero tank: It is very hard to Hero tank, because it means that by some victory, or pure luck, the pilot's ship has another layer of defense: Epic Win
n00b tank: A type of tank that rarely works, it consists of begging(plz dun hrt me) in hopes that the attacker feels pity, or is too lazy to destroy the pilot's ship.
n00b tank: A type of tank that rarely works, it consists of begging(plz dun hrt me) in hopes that the attacker feels pity, or is too lazy to destroy the pilot's ship.
(Written by Viridiana Kirena)
The CGTTEG has this to say on the subject of "ZeroOP": It is possible that he knows at least one question of the ultimate answer to life the universe and everything, which is naturally, of course, 42, and that he is one hoopy frood who always knows exactly where his towel is.
(Written by Gadrius)